my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
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Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
What
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: