Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
nyc:
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?