I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
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*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
don’t we all
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
see you in hell you stupid fruit
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.