Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
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I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
[eulogy]
line?
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no