CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
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comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Incredible customer service.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable