Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
You Might Also Like
Rambo Rambow
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.