Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
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What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Software Development ⛵️
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie