Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
You Might Also Like
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.