I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
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Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
it’s finally my moment to shine
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Ugh
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!