How to wake up a Beagle
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I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.