I got bills
They’re multiplying
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Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.