I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
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Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law