Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
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I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
One minute youāre young and carefree, and the next youāre the person who says, āDid you fall in?ā when someoneās in the bathroom too long.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
āI was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezerā, an autobiography.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses š
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Before you start pushing and shoving āolderā folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and youāre gonna be in for more than you bargained for
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero āļøs. Do not recommend.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesnāt stop him from telling me Iām beautifulā¦ Iām pretty sure thatās what heās saying anyway.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice