[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
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3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
The smoothest fall of all time
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Why font matters.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Beards are a privilege, not a right
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?