All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
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A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.