Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
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And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
#Caturday
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.