The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
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Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.