[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
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I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff