Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
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Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
This hospital has everything
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
s
oc
i
a
l
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
The “baby” on the left….
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.