I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
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*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
crochet youtube is brutal
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that