#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
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*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
He a real one for that
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
“That’s what” – She
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7