A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
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Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Oh my god
That stupid look on my face, is my face
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
getting groceries
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs