*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
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Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe