Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
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I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Put this video in the Louvre
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon