“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
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*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Pickled cat.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…