You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
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A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
You sure about that?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner