We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
You Might Also Like
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries