I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
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People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
oh u like geography? name every lake
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
the short answer to this question