Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
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a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Goodnight 🐶
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.