there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
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Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
good work, detective
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say