As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
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Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes