The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
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I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
January is lasting longer than my marriage
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Stick it to the man
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
there’s probably a fee though
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)