a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
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Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?