Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
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Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
im all 3
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!