I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
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[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor