My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
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Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
This is the one
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.