[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
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Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready