Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
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if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
synchronized noseblowing
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Deer are just ballerina dogs
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.