Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
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#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’