Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
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If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
*Seductively hides in the woods
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.