My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
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Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse