Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
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Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest