Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
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a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?