Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
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My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
mathematically impossible
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Geez man, take it easy.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.