People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
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“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
A fake ID that makes you younger
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.