Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
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Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.