Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
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[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.