5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
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Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.