Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
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[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.