Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
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How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.